Being a dad is also… to question oneself again and again

Being a dad is also… to question oneself again and again

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Being a daddy is also about constantly questioning yourself. In any case, for me…

We wonder about the choices we make. We wonder what we do or don’t do. We wonder if we pass on the good values, if we make good people. And now I wonder if the separation will make them wrong. I wonder if the people I bring into their lives will have a positive effect on them. It never stops. Even if we are convinced of our choices, there is always a small part of doubt that remains.

And when I listen to music, it does not get better. It does not seem like a week goes by without hearing a song that makes me think as a dad. Sometimes the song gives me a beautiful feeling. And sometimes it makes me doubt. But each time, it ends up making me think, to create worries.

These days, these are the four songs that animate me:

Mistral gagnant (Renaud)

What a beautiful song that talks about the beautiful relationship between a father and his child. I always liked this piece. But now that I’m a father of two boys, it takes on a whole new meaning. And every time I listen to it, a strong emotion rises in me. There are many songs that talk about a mother / daughter relationship. But there are so few that deals explicitly with a father / son or father / daughter relationship.

The text is so simple. But at the same time, even if Renaud’s reality and mine are not the same, I can refer to it and almost feel that it could be me.

À m’asseoir sur un banc cinq minutes avec toi
Et regarder les gens tant qu’il en a
Te parler du bon temps qu’est mort ou qui reviendra
En serrant dans ma main tes petits doigts

Et entendre ton rire s’envoler aussi haut
Que s’envolent les cris des oiseaux
Te raconter enfin qu’il faut aimer la vie
Et l’aimer même si
Le temps est assassin

Hearing what the singer says, I see again and again all those little moments that we can enjoy with our kid. Yes, with a baby, we can even enjoy a sunrise at 4am after a shitty night…

Wonderful (Everclear)

That one has a totally different meaning since my separation. The singer of Everclear recounts his anxieties and his fears of children when he constantly heard his parents screaming at each other.

A song that makes you think about the words and sentences you say to a child. But empty words that only serve to reassure. Although that does not mean anything in reality. I think among other things, to this famous “everything will be fine”.

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

This is exactly the kind of song that puts me in front of me and forces me to face my failures. Whether you are happier or not after a separation, when you have children and you listen to Wonderful, you cannot help but want to cry.

At the same time it makes me face the fact that sometimes a separation is beneficial for everyone. And when I come to make a promise to my first born, I remember those words before I promise:

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now

No, you must never forget that for your child, what you say as a parent is worth gold in their eyes.

Mockingbird (Eminem)

You know Eminem for his songs where he bitches or mocks, but do you know the anxious father? This piece makes me constantly think. I always wonder how my little boys feel in all this. Especially my oldest.

I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?

I know you miss your mom
And I know you miss your dad when I’m gone

We did not plan it to be this way
Your mother and me
But things have got so bad between us
I don’t see us ever being together ever again

I know that my oldest is questioning. But I never really know what to say to him… That’s what Mockingbird puts me under the nose.

When I’m gone (Eminem)

A beautiful piece about the fear of losing your child, about the distance… Eminem also expresses very well how we can love these little things that are part of our life.

We did not plan it to be this way
Your mother and me
But things have got so bad between us
I don’t see us ever being together ever again

This love is hard to explain.

***

I know, I can seem sad and depressed. But I had the chance to meet someone extraordinary. Unlike others, I do not have to complain. Obviously, it is certainly not always easy to fit into the rhythm of a dad and his two little men. So I want to take a line just to say: THANK YOU!

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